On Nudity & Swinging -- Some Rambling Thoughts

For the record, and by-the-way, I dont write these little pieces because I think my life is so special or unique that it deserves special attention. I just happen to enjoy spitting out these streams of consciousness in the hope of doing a ~connect~ with those with similar experiences. Of which: I think theres a lot of us. Im here on this swinger site, as something of a fish outta water, because calling myself out here Im not a swinger. Or at least I dont think I am, or dont think of myself *quite that way*. So what the heck am I? Well, I really like sex. I love penises and could never be satisfied with just one. No way. I love being naked, but not exactly a nudist either because well damn its sure as heck not a non sexual thing for me. No, its um yeah. Its sexual. God damn, its sexy as hell. Yeah, walking around in the sunshine, totally nude, in front of cute guys with their beautiful cocks swinging around all over the place. Nothing *at all* sexual about THAT! Of course not, why would you think otherwise? I mean, I get it, sure just because its not non-sexual, doesnt mean that its GOT to be all about SEX. As in obsessively so. I dont want that either, I dont want my casual nude beach outings to be always all about having to deal with sex being constantly front-and-center. Sexy doesnt need to mean constantly sexualized. So whats up with this middle ground type experience? Not exactly a nudist and not exactly a swinger? Well, as you may have guessed, since Im writing about it, that Ive devoted my nerdy brain to the topic and have thoughts. Let me tell you about my experience, which is a pretty common one: grew up in a conservative but not overbearing household. Pretty normal family life, sex and sexuality basically off-limits as topics, and the overall vibe of the community I knew being one of also not acknowledging that its something that even exists. Except to decry the evils of it outside marriage, etc., etc. You get the picture. As it turns out, though, as much as you might try to put the Jesus into a teenager, the hormones of a 14 year-old girl whos curious about her body, and has a secretly hungry eye for them boys, arent gonna get the message. Yeah, I got reeeeeal curious about what the heck was going on with my body, and boys started looking really tasty. And that whole sex education thing, penis becomes erect; is inserted into vagina, like: okay, yes please, Id like to try that. My boobs started to swell up pretty early and I noticed. And I noticed the boys noticing. I started in with a new thing, which was hooh boy LOVING the way it felt to be naked, and not being able to get enough of admiring my body in the mirror. I mean, honestly not to brag about it or anything, but just objectively, I was pretty hot back then. Like I had a nice shape really early. I wasnt like super glamour popular girl or anything like that, so I didnt have boys constantly all over me. But despite being the very quiet, shy, awkward, nerdy type, I had my share of attention from boys and I definitely knew what they wanted. And despite being secretly interested, I was way too scared and anxious to actually really *do* anything. I knew other girls were. But my world, as far as the sex thing was concerned, remained my own little private arena. Very much so. To the extent that I think I kinda sorta developed this whole separate little bubble a sort of fantasy type realm, where I was something of a different person, VERY highly engaged with discovering my sexuality, all by my lonesome. And, again, a HUGE part of that was, for me, a desperately powerful urge to be naked. I could NOT get enough of the idea that my body was sexually alluring and arousing. I mean, even in a conservative and repressive environment, you are still constantly exposed to media that highlights the objectification of (in particular) female bodies and their sexual appeal. Id look at my naked body in the mirror and think that I compared favorably to some of those images Id seen. I was skinny, had good looking breasts, a perfect round ass, strong legs, long hair. Right around that age 14 or so I had a lot of times where I was home by myself. Sibling out of the house, and both parents working, etc. I developed a routine of taking my clothes off and walking around the house naked. I was deeply in love with the way it felt, and it absolutely, unquestionably turned me on. Id walk around for a while, getting turned on, and then masturbate. I wasnt very good at the latter, as early on I hadnt yet figured out how to do much else than put my fingers in my vagina. But I still enjoyed it, and did it a LOT. Bathing suit times were the best times. I had a bikini style suit that Id wear for lake or pool outing occasions (which were few and far between). It was moderately revealing, and I loved the way the boys ogled me in it. And, of course, secretly oh my how I wanted it to be skimpier or to take it off completely. As soon as I was old enough to drive and to be out on my own there was this big regional park where you could walk in a ways and take off into the woods. I would occasionally go there just to take my clothes off, walk around nude, and masturbate. I cannot express in words how painfully acute my desire was for someone to see me naked. Just before I turned 17 I finally did have a boyfriend. The rules about dating meant that we didnt have much opportunity to be alone together for any sort of long stretches of time. But we had a chance on this really long school trip we were on. We sat together on a long bus ride, at night, and well, to this day it turns me on thinking about it. Everything Id never done, I did that night. Honestly it is kinda amazing what you can get away with under a blanket. Probably took less than 5 minutes before he was up under my shirt and his cock was out. My hand was wrapped around his lovely hard penis for the next 3 hours. He wanted me to go down on him; I didnt. I eventually did pull my pants down, though, and he clumsily finger-fucked me. Good times, that was fun. He really did have an amazingly beautiful penis. I never let him have sex with me. We were both so naive an inexperienced, Im not sure that between the two of us we couldve even managed to get his penis inserted, LOL. I really did like him, a lot, and have at times regretted that he wasnt my first. Anyway, back to my train of thought: all the weird repression and no-no-no around sex, and all the mixed messages about it had me thinking of myself as somehow broken, because of my urges. I felt really shameful about my practices of walking around naked, and wanting to be seen. I always felt that I was doing something naughty and dirty by admiring myself in the mirror, and having fun with my fantasy imaginings of boys being turned on by my body. I thought of myself as some sort of deviant, and that Id eventually have to do something about my out of line behavior. Like I was SO scared that someone would find out about my *dark secret* and Id be put into an institution or something. That feeling of shame was sadly a big part of my growing-up and young adult experience. It was not easy to shake all that off, and to some degree I still feel it. There are still remnants of feeling as if my lifestyle is somehow disreputable, outside the acceptable norm, etc. As much as I know, intellectually, that my way of living is honest, healthy, and natural, all that old baggage is still sitting there, sometimes. Discovering nudism, however, took me LIGHT YEARS away from all that, and I credit that discovery with advancing my emotional well-being and contentment to the same degree that maybe a decade worth of therapy would have done. I could finally DO the thing that Id SO much wanted to do! Just take off all my clothes, in a totally casual environment, right out in the open, like it wasnt even a thing, and on my own terms simply love the way it felt to be nude and yeah to be admired and appreciated. To be able to do that, not only without…